I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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