Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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