He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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