i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
