I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
