i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
