i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
