If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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