Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
