well I can't set my house on fire every night
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
