he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize