The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
