im six kinds of drunk right now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
