Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
