life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
