There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Did I show you my penis last night?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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