I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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