Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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