I think I just saw someone hide a body.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's no shave November. This is our time.
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Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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