Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
time to smoke my breakfast
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
