Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
