When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
