just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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