Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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