Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
