K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
