He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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