Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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