I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
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Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills