I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
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So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.