just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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