found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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