your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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