I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
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Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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