I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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