true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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