I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize