apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
