i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
