why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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