Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
