3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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