She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
