Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
