Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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