Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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