Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
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Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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