what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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