There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
