i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
