smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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