nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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