I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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