nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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