I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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