Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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