I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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