he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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