accomplished twins. life is a go
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
