Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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