WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
