i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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