thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The air was thick with penises
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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